Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Floor bacon is actually really good
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
