If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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