I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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