my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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