He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
