I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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