Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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