she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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