if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
