I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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