Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
