he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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