I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
