Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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