what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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