Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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