no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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