At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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