I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You are the jesus of drinking
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
