Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
