He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
