Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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