Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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