I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
