i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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