made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
