I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
