Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
