I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
