I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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