Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Even the bartender felt bad for me
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
