Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
