Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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