i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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