the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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