I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
