he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
