I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
