Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
