you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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