Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
