I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
