evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
