I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
