there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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