You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
