I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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