As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
