She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
