Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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