someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What happened to fro yo and sex?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
