Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize