It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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