I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
