You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
