I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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