Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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