my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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