So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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